by Jean MacKenzie

Did you know that when a person becomes angry chemicals and hormones are released that can affect the way the brain processes information?  For this reason it can be a good idea to call a time out when arguments get heated.   A time out is a scheduled break you agree upon with your partner ahead of time, so that if touchy issues come up, you get stuck, or an argument is escalating out of control, you can say, “Time-out,” and create a little separation.

Time outs can have their problems though.  One of these is that if one person walks away from an argument without making a commitment to return to the issue at hand their partner can feel rejected and like their concerns are seen as unimportant.  Another problem is that if time outs are called but the couple never returns to the issues to resolve them resentment builds up causing a lot of tension in the relationship.

An effective time out is one where you 1) Explain to  your partner that things are getting to heated and you need a break to calm down, 2) Set a time to revisit the issue at hand and 3) Follow through and discuss the issue when you are both able to talk calmly and reasonably.

The best way to ensure that you will use a time out when one is needed is to make sure you have an agreement worked out ahead of time.  Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of an argument to decide on the ground rules for a time out.  Sit down together now and develop a plan, so when the need arises you’ll be able to implement your plan effectively.

When the time comes make sure you clearly state that you are executing a time out.  You may want to state that you are too angry or defensive to think rationally right now or too upset to listen attentively, but make sure you make it clear that you are taking a time out.  The couple must then agree on a specific time and place to revisit the issue before parting ways.

Taking time outs can help to defuse arguments before they get out of hand.  If you and your spouse can learn to recognize when things are beginning to escalate, you can use time outs to keep things from progressing to the point where you say hurtful things that you will later regret.  So, if one or both of you tend to get too hot under the collar every once and a while and important issues get shoved aside as a result, sit down and come up with a time out plan.  It may be just the tool you need to bring some peace and resolution to your relationship.

Jean is a marriage and couples counsellor whose approach in working with couples involves the development of techniques for solving current problems and achieving unending growth in relationships.  Jean strives to assist couples of various backgrounds in learning to solve their own challenges because a couple that knows how to problem solve can keep their love—and their marriage—alive forever.

Jean also offers Catholic counselling to couples wishing to incorporate the Catholic faith into the counselling process, helping couples to develop a relationship pleasing to each other and God.

Jean has a Master of Arts in Counselling from the Franciscan University of Steubenville and has trained in marriage and family therapy.

So, if you think that your relationship could use a little help– or even a lot of help,–give Jean a call today and take that important first step in turning your marriage into a “happily ever after” story.

Where do you start?

Look no further.

1.    Go to www.jeanmackenzie.com and sign up for my free newsletter “Happily Ever After: A Guide to Healthy Relationships,”  filled with helpful tips on how to nurture your relationship. You will also receive the free report, “10 Tips for Resolving Anger in Your Relationship.”

2.    Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling.  She can be reached at: Phone: 506-461-7279 Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

A local radio station runs a daily trivia contest. Recently the question they posed to listeners was, “What is it that children do 400 times a day that adults do only 15 times a day?” The correct answer; laugh. I don’t know if this statistic includes people who spend their days with children. I often find myself laughing along with my children (even when what they’re laughing at doesn’t seem all that funny) just because their laughter is so contagious. All the same, I don’t think I would find myself reaching the 400 laughs a day mark.

So, where along the way do we lose our sense of humour? Certainly the responsibilities and concerns we must shoulder as adults are much greater than that of children, but does our worry and seriousness help us shoulder these burdens better? If laughter is the best medicine, should we not work harder to foster a sense of humour in ourselves?

One of the great burdens of adulthood for many is relationship problems. It can be very painful when your spouse, who is supposed to be a source of support and fulfilment, is a source of conflict and stress. How do you maintain a sense of humour while dealing with the difficulties of a strained relationship? Well, again, maybe laughter is the best medicine. Maybe in those moments when we don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we need to choose laughter more often. Not that laughter can solve all of your problems. However, perhaps a little levity in your relationship will strengthen the bond of friendship and give you the strength to work on the deeper issues.

Laughter releases stress reducing chemicals into your brain, which can enhance your day and improve your health, but what does that have to do with relationships.

Well:

Laughter and humour relieve tension, lift spirits, and bring couples closer together.

Laughter creates a greater sense of connection between people.

Using gentle humour often helps you tackle sensitive subjects, resolve disagreements, and reframe problems.

A sense of humour is the key to resilience. It helps you take hardships in stride, weather disappointment, and bounce back from adversity and loss.

The use of humour helps to put things into perspective.

Humour can help you to be more creative in your problem solving.

Humour helps you to be more spontaneous, let go of defensiveness, release inhibitions, and express your true feelings, which can all benefit your relationship.

It makes sense that a sense of humour can improve your marriage, but what if you don’t have a sense of ha ha. How do you regain a lost sense of humour? My suggestion: Ask an expert. Surely you can learn something from someone who laughs 400 time a day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Catholic Eyes Only ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When asked, “What role does humor play in the life of a pope?” Pope Benedict replied,

“I’m not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it’s very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically. I’d also say it’s necessary for my ministry. A writer once said that angels can fly because they don’t take themselves too seriously. Maybe we could also fly a bit if we didn’t think we were so important.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all learn to fly in our relationships!

And now I would like to invite you to claim your Free Instant Access to my report “10 Tips for Resolving Anger in Your Relationship.” when you visit http://www.jeanmackenzie.com

From Jean MacKenzie – The Happily Ever After Girl.

A human beings we often hurt one another, whether we mean to or not.  It is natural to think of things only from our own viewpoint and not consider how our actions might harm another.  Therefore, we can hurt someone’s feeling by doing something as simple as letting the door slam behind us in that person’s face, without even realizing we have hurt them. Read the rest of this entry »

Although the person whom it may be most important to forgive may be your spouse, your spouse can often times be the hardest person in your life to forgive. The intimate nature of marriage makes spouses vulnerable to each other. A spouse who knows you better than any other person has the most ability to offend you. And, because you share a life together your spouse also has the most opportunity to be a repeat offender. When the person you are supposed to be closest to refuses to see how his or her actions hurt you or if they continue to hurt you in the same manner over and over again it can seem that forgiveness is impossible. Read the rest of this entry »

I recently had a week where my husband was very busy at work and as a result was working late a lot. The problem for me was that, with four kids, when my husbands work load increases, so does mine. With my husband unable to help out as much as he usually would I quickly slipped into “poor me” mode and found myself having thoughts about how terrible it was that I had to take on all these extra burdens. Read the rest of this entry »

With the New Year upon us it is time again to think about making resolutions. Unfortunately more than a few people have given up on New Year’s resolutions after one or more good intentions went awry. You see it takes more than enthusiasm and grand aspirations to keep a New Year’s resolution. Read the rest of this entry »

It seems that in our society it has come to be expected that women will get together and criticize their husbands and boyfriends and men will get together and put down their wives and girlfriends. Everyone has to have a few sarcastic comments to fling at their partner, especially when there is an audience around to laugh at their expense. We tend to tear down the very person we claim to love. I think it has become so common in our society that sometimes people don’t even realize they are doing it. Read the rest of this entry »

When I started my own counselling practice I had to learn the importance of having clearly defined marketing goals before I was able to get my business off the ground. I floundered around for quite some time before hiring Juliet Austin (www.julietaustin.com), a marketing coach for healing professionals. One of the first things Juliet did was help me clearly define what I wanted to achieve. Read the rest of this entry »

Listen. What do you hear? You may hear the hustle and bustle of people around you. Maybe there is some polite conversation going on around you or perhaps your kids are screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and perhaps you’ve learned to block out that noise. Read the rest of this entry »