Marriage counsellor couples therapist, marriage therapist, Edmonton, Alberta

The Secrets of Love – CTV interview

Jean MacKenzie — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 20:05:05 +0000

Effective Time Outs

admin — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 00:34:04 +0000

by Jean MacKenzie

Did you know that when a person becomes angry chemicals and hormones are released that can affect the way the brain processes information? For this reason it can be a good idea to call a time out when arguments get heated. A time out is a scheduled break you agree upon with your partner ahead of time, so that if touchy issues come up, you get stuck, or an argument is escalating out of control, you can say, “Time-out,” and create a little separation.

Time outs can have their problems though. One of these is that if one person walks away from an argument without making a commitment to return to the issue at hand their partner can feel rejected and like their concerns are seen as unimportant. Another problem is that if time outs are called but the couple never returns to the issues to resolve them resentment builds up causing a lot of tension in the relationship.

An effective time out is one where you 1) Explain to your partner that things are getting to heated and you need a break to calm down, 2) Set a time to revisit the issue at hand and 3) Follow through and discuss the issue when you are both able to talk calmly and reasonably.

The best way to ensure that you will use a time out when one is needed is to make sure you have an agreement worked out ahead of time. Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of an argument to decide on the ground rules for a time out. Sit down together now and develop a plan, so when the need arises you’ll be able to implement your plan effectively.

When the time comes make sure you clearly state that you are executing a time out. You may want to state that you are too angry or defensive to think rationally right now or too upset to listen attentively, but make sure you make it clear that you are taking a time out. The couple must then agree on a specific time and place to revisit the issue before parting ways.

Taking time outs can help to defuse arguments before they get out of hand. If you and your spouse can learn to recognize when things are beginning to escalate, you can use time outs to keep things from progressing to the point where you say hurtful things that you will later regret. So, if one or both of you tend to get too hot under the collar every once and a while and important issues get shoved aside as a result, sit down and come up with a time out plan. It may be just the tool you need to bring some peace and resolution to your relationship.

About Jean

Jean is a marriage and couples counsellor whose approach in working with couples involves the development of techniques for solving current problems and achieving unending growth in relationships. Jean strives to assist couples of various backgrounds in learning to solve their own challenges because a couple that knows how to problem solve can keep their love—and their marriage—alive forever.

Jean also offers Catholic counselling to couples wishing to incorporate the Catholic faith into the counselling process, helping couples to develop a relationship pleasing to each other and God.

Jean has a Master of Arts in Counselling from the Franciscan University of Steubenville and has trained in marriage and family therapy.

So, if you think that your relationship could use a little help– or even a lot of help,–give Jean a call today and take that important first step in turning your marriage into a “happily ever after” story.

Where do you start?

Look no further.

1. Go to www.jeanmackenzie.com and sign up for my free newsletter “Happily Ever After: A Guide to Healthy Relationships,” filled with helpful tips on how to nurture your relationship. You will also receive the free report, “10 Tips for Resolving Anger in Your Relationship.”

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Advice For Unhappy Spouses – Strengthen Your Marriage With Laughter

admin — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 01:16:04 +0000

A local radio station runs a daily trivia contest. Recently the question they posed to listeners was, “What is it that children do 400 times a day that adults do only 15 times a day?” The correct answer; laugh. I don’t know if this statistic includes people who spend their days with children. I often find myself laughing along with my children (even when what they’re laughing at doesn’t seem all that funny) just because their laughter is so contagious. All the same, I don’t think I would find myself reaching the 400 laughs a day mark.

So, where along the way do we lose our sense of humour? Certainly the responsibilities and concerns we must shoulder as adults are much greater than that of children, but does our worry and seriousness help us shoulder these burdens better? If laughter is the best medicine, should we not work harder to foster a sense of humour in ourselves?

One of the great burdens of adulthood for many is relationship problems. It can be very painful when your spouse, who is supposed to be a source of support and fulfilment, is a source of conflict and stress. How do you maintain a sense of humour while dealing with the difficulties of a strained relationship? Well, again, maybe laughter is the best medicine. Maybe in those moments when we don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we need to choose laughter more often. Not that laughter can solve all of your problems. However, perhaps a little levity in your relationship will strengthen the bond of friendship and give you the strength to work on the deeper issues.

Laughter releases stress reducing chemicals into your brain, which can enhance your day and improve your health, but what does that have to do with relationships.

Well:

Laughter and humour relieve tension, lift spirits, and bring couples closer together.

Laughter creates a greater sense of connection between people.

Using gentle humour often helps you tackle sensitive subjects, resolve disagreements, and reframe problems.

A sense of humour is the key to resilience. It helps you take hardships in stride, weather disappointment, and bounce back from adversity and loss.

The use of humour helps to put things into perspective.

Humour can help you to be more creative in your problem solving.

Humour helps you to be more spontaneous, let go of defensiveness, release inhibitions, and express your true feelings, which can all benefit your relationship.

It makes sense that a sense of humour can improve your marriage, but what if you don’t have a sense of ha ha. How do you regain a lost sense of humour? My suggestion: Ask an expert. Surely you can learn something from someone who laughs 400 time a day.

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For Catholic Eyes Only
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When asked, “What role does humor play in the life of a pope?” Pope Benedict replied,

“I’m not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it’s very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically. I’d also say it’s necessary for my ministry. A writer once said that angels can fly because they don’t take themselves too seriously. Maybe we could also fly a bit if we didn’t think we were so important.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all learn to fly in our relationships!

And now I would like to invite you to claim your Free Instant Access to my report “10 Tips for Resolving Anger in Your Relationship.” when you visit http://www.jeanmackenzie.com

From Jean MacKenzie – The Happily Ever After Girl.

A Forgiving Love

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:42:04 +0000

A human beings we often hurt one another, whether we mean to or not. It is natural to think of things only from our own viewpoint and not consider how our actions might harm another. Therefore, we can hurt someone’s feeling by doing something as simple as letting the door slam behind us in that person’s face, without even realizing we have hurt them.

If it is that easy to hurt a friend or acquaintance, imagine how much more easily, and more frequently you can hurt the person you have chosen to spend your life with and with whom you share intimacies that leave each of you vulnerable to being hurt.

The opportunities to hurt each other in a marriage relationship are numerous and can range from apparently minor infractions, such as leaving the toilet seat up on a regular basis or not showing consideration for your spouse’s CD collection, to the seemingly unforgivable offense of infidelity.

During good times you both may work hard not to do things to hurt your mate. However, because you are both human, you can easily slip into moments of selfishness where you take each other for granted. Or, worse, if one of you feel that your partner has hurt you in some way you may retaliate by taking advantage of your partners weaknesses which you as husband or wife know so well. This can spark an escalating cycle of hurting each other more and more which can lead you to wonder, “How did we end up here anyway?”

It is easy to think that if your partner loved you they wouldn’t do things to hurt you. But, if you look a little deeper I am sure you will see that you too are in need of forgiveness. So, the choice is yours, you can choose to store up grudges that continue to harm your relationship or you can choose to forgive and overcome your struggles and develop a stronger relationship.

That is not to say that forgiveness is easy. Forgiveness is a lot of work, but it is hard work that builds strong relationships. If you”ve made the decision to forgive and you still experience angry feelings, don’t give up. Forgiveness doesn’t simply end with making the decision, it is a process that is never perfected. You can always become better at forgiving and you can always reach deeper levels of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a very important step in building a relationship that will last a lifetime. So, think of it as an investment in your relationship and make the decision to be a little more forgiving of your partner today and, better yet, ask your spouse for forgiveness for something you have done.

About Jean

Jean also offers Catholic counselling to couples wishing to incorporate the Catholic faith into the counselling process, helping couples to develop a relationship pleasing to each other and God.
Jean has a Master of Arts in Counselling from the Franciscan University of Steubenville and has trained in marriage and family therapy.

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Healing Your Self Through Forgiving Your Spouse

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:40:40 +0000

Although the person whom it may be most important to forgive may be your spouse, your spouse can often times be the hardest person in your life to forgive. The intimate nature of marriage makes spouses vulnerable to each other. A spouse who knows you better than any other person has the most ability to offend you. And, because you share a life together your spouse also has the most opportunity to be a repeat offender. When the person you are supposed to be closest to refuses to see how his or her actions hurt you or if they continue to hurt you in the same manner over and over again it can seem that forgiveness is impossible.

There is no doubt that forgiveness under these circumstances can be very difficult. However, clearing up some common misunderstandings about forgiveness may help the process along a little.

One of the misconceptions implied by a lack of forgiveness when a spouse is not willing to apologize is that if you forgive your spouse you are somehow doing them a favour. You may be doing your spouse a favour in terms of strengthening your relationship together in the long run and if that is a bad thing you may not want to practice forgiveness.

However, forgiveness certainly does not mean admitting that your spouse didn’t hurt you or saying that what he or she did was OK. And, forgiveness definitely doesn’t mean you have to let your spouse continue to hurt you. In fact, if you are in a situation of abuse, you should take steps to insure your safety right away. In other instances forgiveness may free up enough energy to deal with the cause of the hurt in a more constructive manner.

It takes a lot of energy to be angry with someone and one thing people don’t often realize is that forgiveness is primarily something you do for yourself. You will not help your spouse realize the error of his or her ways by holding onto angry feelings. You only create tension and anxiety for yourself, which can lead to innumerable mental, emotional, and even physical problems, which in turn add further strain to your relationships.

It is true; the only person you can change is yourself. However, when you make changes to better yourself you can inspire others to change as well. So, why not start by freeing yourself of the burden of angry feelings. You’ll feel better and if as a side effect your relationship with your spouse improves you’ll win on two counts. What have you got to lose?

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Forgive the Forgotten

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:39:53 +0000

I recently had a week where my husband was very busy at work and as a result was working late a lot. The problem for me was that, with four kids, when my husbands work load increases, so does mine. With my husband unable to help out as much as he usually would I quickly slipped into “poor me” mode and found myself having thoughts about how terrible it was that I had to take on all these extra burdens.

These thoughts led me to have increasingly angry feelings towards my husband until I was attributing all the woes of my life to him. Luckily I was able to snap out of it before he came home from work that night.

The point I am trying to make is that it is very easy to slip into blaming your spouse for every angry feeling you experience. Therefore it is important that you be able to distinguish between appropriate anger and excessive or misdirected anger.

Appropriate anger, when dealt with effectively can be healthy for your relationship, helping you to grow in your understanding of each other. Excessive or misdirected anger is when the anger expressed is disproportionate to the situation. In other words the person to whom the anger is expressed is usually standing there wondering, “What did I do to deserve that outburst?”

In my case the source of my anger had to do with my discontent with the situation I found myself in and my husband didn’t have much control over that situation. When I was able to look at the situation rationally we were able to work out appropriate solutions to us both being overworked.

Just as one can misdirect anger resulting from a present situation or person, one may also take out anger from a past hurt on people in the present. Many people have deep hurts from their past and if he or she has not worked to resolve the related feelings of anger these emotions can interfere with current relationships, especially those of an intimate nature. The most common sources of anger that spouses bring into their marriage are related to experiences of being hurt by parents, abused, emotionally wounded in a dating relationship, or divorced. If one is not aware of harbouring anger from the past he or she may dump angry feelings on a spouse in response to a relatively minor infraction. Such excessive anger can be lethal to a relationship. If you or your spouse frequently express an exaggerated amount of anger then it is important that you determine the source of the anger and work to resolve the hurts that lead to these emotions by forgiving those who have hurt you in the past. The task of forgiving can be extremely difficult when the wounds you experience are profound. If you have deep hurts to overcome I encourage you to seek the help of a trusted professional. Remember however that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. And, if you are in an intimate relationship with someone then it will be a gift to your relationship as well.

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

A New Year’s Resolution for Your Relationship

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:39:14 +0000

With the New Year upon us it is time again to think about making resolutions. Unfortunately more than a few people have given up on New Year’s resolutions after one or more good intentions went awry. You see it takes more than enthusiasm and grand aspirations to keep a New Year’s resolution.

However, New Year’s resolutions are good things. Striving to be a better person is always an admirable idea. But, I’ve got an even better idea. If you are married or dating than why not make a resolution as a couple to improve your relationship? “But,” you say, “we’re back to the original problem. How do we make sure we will follow through with our resolution?” Well, one frequently recommended way of keeping your New Year’s resolution is to pair up with a friend who will help motivate you. If you work with your spouse towards a mutual resolution then you will inherently have someone to support you and motivate you towards achieving your goal.

Here are some other tips to help you accomplish your relationship goals

and develop a more intimate relationship in 2007:

1. Be realistic

You will only discourage yourself if you make resolutions that you can never achieve. If you’ve never taken a dance lesson before than it would be unrealistic to set a goal of winning a national dance competition. However, if you would both like to learn to dance then you may want to set a goal of being able to strut your stuff and the New Year’s eve ball 2007.

2. Describe your resolutions in specific terms

Instead of “We want to create more romance in our marriage,” opt for “We will set aside time for a date once a week.” or “We will set aside 15 minutes each day to talk with each other without distractions such as children, telephones, or television.”

3. Create a Plan

In order to be able to follow through on your resolution you must work together to determine what steps will lead you to your goal. For instance if you resolve to eliminate a major debt than you will need to determine how you are going to go about it. Will you read a book on financial management, hire a financial planner, will one of you take on an extra job, or will you look for ways to reduce your spending. What steps are require to reach your goal and when will each step be accomplished?

4. Write Down Your Resolution and Plan

Commit your resolution and plan to writing and review them often. Writing down your goals will keep you focused on them and will thus make you more likely to achieve them.

5. Remain Flexible

Don’t let obstacles, even a momentary lapse in motivation, discourage you from following through. Be prepared to adapt your plan as needed. If you plan on talking daily and you get off track start over again. If you plan on a date night on a particular night of the week and some other event crops up on that evening than revisit your plan and find another time slot. If you are trying to pay off debt and a major repair comes up regroup and adjust your goals accordingly. If you find your steps are more difficult than you anticipated then reassess your plan and create simpler steps. Remember, great things don’t happen over night.

So, whether your resolution is as simple as adding more affection to your relationship or as grand as going on a second honeymoon I hope these tips will help you to reach your goals and create a stronger and more loving relationship in 2007.

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Encourage Your Spouse and Build a Relationship That Lasts

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:38:30 +0000

It seems that in our society it has come to be expected that women will get together and criticize their husbands and boyfriends and men will get together and put down their wives and girlfriends. Everyone has to have a few sarcastic comments to fling at their partner, especially when there is an audience around to laugh at their expense. We tend to tear down the very person we claim to love. I think it has become so common in our society that sometimes people don’t even realize they are doing it.

It is so easy to find the fault in others. I know I have been guilty of this very crime many times in my past and although I try hard to guard against it now I still find myself being overly critical at times. It takes a lot of effort to keep from falling into the trap of faultfinding. Sometimes it can help to look at things from the other person’s perspective.

We all have our faults, but it hurts when the person you love is always pointing them out. I’m sure you can think of a time when you were hurt by someone’s negative comments. If you want to build up a loving relationship you have to try to avoid hurting your spouse by making such comments.

Sometime it is necessary to point out where some improvement or changes are necessary, just make sure your motive is always to build up your relationship rather than to tear down your spouse and use language that conveys this desire. Most often however, pointing out our spouse’s flaws does not help them to overcome them. If we want to foster a loving relationship we should make a conscious effort to encourage our spouse. Make it a challenge to yourself to see how encouraging you can be.

At any given time there is always something negative you could say, but there is always something positive you could say as well. Make an effort to emphasize the positive. Think of all your partner’s talents and make an effort to compliment his or her abilities. Take note of the things your spouse does that you appreciate and be sure to thank him or her for these things. Make a habit of saying something encouraging to your spouse every day.

Never mind whether or not your spouse has been encouraging to you. Take the initiative and start improving you relationship today. Notice when your spouse does the little things. Call her up at work to tell her how much you appreciate her. Mention how talented he is and don’t be afraid to point out his talents to other people. Ask your partner how her day was and make an effort to listen to her response. Do something with your spouse that you know he really enjoys. Say “I love you” in as many ways possible. Gives hugs and kisses and back rubs. Be romantic. Make time for each other. Write love notes. Challenge yourself to be creative and the fruits of your positive attitude may surprise you. Build up your spouse and you will be building up your relationship.

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Improve Your Marriage With Goal Setting

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:37:39 +0000

When I started my own counselling practice I had to learn the importance of having clearly defined marketing goals before I was able to get my business off the ground. I floundered around for quite some time before hiring Juliet Austin (www.julietaustin.com), a marketing coach for healing professionals. One of the first things Juliet did was help me clearly define what I wanted to achieve.

Once I figured out what my aim was Juliet helped me to keep my goals ever present in my mind so that I was always working towards their fulfillment and not led astray by distractions. The result was that I achieved more than I ever imagined I could, I now have a successful private practice, and in order to continue in that success I will continue setting goals.

However, goal setting is not only important for success in business. Goal setting is the key to progress for all great achievers. Exceptional athletes had to set fitness goals before becoming Olympians. Those who attained great wealth had to set financial goals before becoming rich. The most successful singers, actors, writers, and painters all had to set and strive for goals before making it big.

Even spiritual masters set goals to achieve great levels of holiness. You see, one has to know what goal one is striving for in order to choose the best means to achieving that end. If one doesn’t have a goal in mind then that person is wandering aimlessly.

Setting goals focuses a person’s attention on a particular area to the exclusion of other distracting thoughts and activities and gives a person a touchstone on which to base decisions. Each choice can be weighed against whether or not it contributes to or detracts from the achievement of one’s purpose. Some choices, such as deciding which pair of shoes to wear one day or the next, may not affect one’s goals a whole lot. However, if one has set a financial goal of saving $1000 dollars this year, that may affect his or her decision to buy a new pair of shoes.

So, what does all this have to do with your marriage or intimate relationship? While many people have set goals for them self in one or more areas of their life, not many people stop to reflect on what they are trying to achieve in their marriage. For some reason we tend to think that if we are well matched then our relationship will be successful. However, it is more likely that such “well matched” people based their marriage on some sense of purpose, whether they realized it or not. When you think about the effect goal setting has on the success of other endeavours it makes sense that some well thought out marital goals will contribute to your success as a couple.

In order to set marital goals you must first figure out what your goals are as individuals. Make sure some of your goals are ones that you can continue to work on throughout your life. It may help to think about how you want people to remember you at the end of your life. Do you want to be remembered as a kind person? Do you want to be know as someone who had a good sense of humour? Once you have set individual goals you can set marital goals that include supporting each other in achieving your individual goals.

Once you have come up with one or two shared goals each of you should write them down, place them somewhere where you will see them often, and review them frequently. Let these goals shape your relationship. Decide what steps you have to take to reach your goals and enjoy your newfound sense of purpose together.

Note: If you are interested in finding out more about Juliet Austin’s work you can go to Juliet’s website at www.julietaustin.com and subscribe to her free newsletter, Enlightened Marketing, and get a Free, 22 Page Report: “67 Surefire Ways to Attract Clients.”

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com

Listening: Do You Really Hear What I’m Saying to You?

Jean MacKenzie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 02:36:31 +0000

Listen. What do you hear? You may hear the hustle and bustle of people around you. Maybe there is some polite conversation going on around you or perhaps your kids are screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and perhaps you’ve learned to block out that noise.

If you are by yourself you may hear the steady hum of your computer and if you concentrate really hard you may hear the soft buzz of the lights and the other extraneous noises we tend to block out as we go through our daily routines.

Now, when you block out all the external noises what do you hear? You may be saying to yourself, “Huh, what is this lady getting at?” Or you may be anticipating what I’m going to say next, thinking with great certainty that you know what I’m getting at.

This little voice inside your head is what I’m getting at. I know some people don’t like to admit to this little voice but we all have it and when it comes to communicating with another person this can be the biggest distraction.

Have you ever had two people try to talk to you at the same time; each one so excited they couldn’t wait for the other to finish? Did you have a hard time keeping the two stories straight? Did you eventually have to tell the two people to calm down and speak one at a time?

If you’ve never had this happen I’m sure you can imagine how confusing it could be. However, when you allow the little voice inside your head to carry on its monologue while someone is trying to speak to you then you end up in a similar situation and most often it is the person who is talking to you who gets blocked out. Yes, many times people listen to the little voice in their head over their husband, wife, friend, coworker, etc, who is trying to speak to them.

Often people look for ways to improve their communication skills without recognizing that the most important key to communication is to be able to listen effectively. And listening means not just hearing the other persons words but also understanding what that person is saying to you and you can’t do that if you are thinking about what to have for supper, the new stereo you’d like to buy, what the person is going to say next, what you’re going to say when you get the chance, your next rebuttal, or how you’re going to prove the other person wrong.

We all have this tendency to let our minds wander. I’m not suggesting that you can turn off your inner voice completely. However, if you can become more aware of it you can work on really understanding what others are saying to you.

Like so many of the skills that make a good relationship, listening is one that we can ever improve on. If you work on becoming a better listener, your communication skills will improve and so will your relationship with all those around you. So, the next time you are having a conversation with someone really listen to what they’re trying to communicate to you. Hear what I’m saying?

About Jean

Where do you start?

Look no further.

2. Call today for a free, no obligation, 20 minute phone consultation. We will discuss your problems and together decide how I might be able to help you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jean sees clients in her office in Fredericton, NB and offers telephone and online counselling. She can be reached at:
Phone: 506-461-7279
Email: jean@jeanmackenzie.com